For(now) Family

As a child and young woman the thing I wanted most was a strong, faithful, Mormon family. A family that prayed together and shared a strong belief in the Mormon Church together. 

I always felt I was missing something. I would attend church and hear things like your family needs to have a strong head of household, a father, who holds the priesthood. Otherwise your family will be in chaos and destruction and will never be a "Forever Family".

I didn't have what a lot of my friends, in my close knit Mormon community, had. They had a mother and a father who went to church, held important callings, and followed the teachings of the prophet. As a result of this, I would insert myself into the families, that to me fit the definition of a forever family. 

I took on the burden of helping my family become a faithful, forever family. It was hard work for a child and young person to be responsible for everyone's salvation. I came to love and resent my family at the same time. In trying to create a perfect forever family I created distance between me and family, mostly my 'unworthy father'.

Fast forward a lot of years. I feel I have lived many lives, and gone through my share of hardships. I have come out the other side of these challenges a much wiser, kinder, loving person. I am no longer a member of a toxic religion dividing families and teaching hate and intolerance. I allow myself to love my family, my now family. I realize what freedom and support my family has given me to live in the happiness I now have.

I listen to the stories of friends who have chosen to leave the church, to think for themselves, to have an authentic, wonderful life for themselves only to lose the love and support of their 'forever family'. To be separated from their eternal family unit. The trauma and the baggage they have to overcome because their parents and siblings won't associate with them or they pity them or see them as someone they need to be wary of. I feel like their journey to wholeness and happiness is more difficult than mine. 

I feel fortunate, and I'm so glad I never had the ideal forever family of my dreams. Because I would have lost my for(now) family. No longer chasing rainbows and living for the next life. I cherish and love the family and friends I have now.

The Patriarchal Grip

I've been out of the Mormon church since 1995, 23 years now. This experience happened to me in 1995 and I'm pretty sure there has been no policy change in the church. I'm pretty sure the church still protects their reputation and their men more than they protect women and children who are in abusive situations. Shame on any entity that rallys around perpetrators of abuse putting women and children in danger.

First written in 2013, re-posted in 2018.

When asked why I left the Mormon Church I often don't have a fast and easy answer. There was no single reason I left. There was a lifetime of experiences, a lot of personal study, a lot of truth seeking then one day I found that my questions were bigger than the answers. I found my time in church on Sunday was no longer uplifting it had become a place where I was drained of every ounce of my strength. My leaving didn't happen over night it happened over years. There were definitely some defining moments that made leaving easier. Each of those moments were like a straw that I would put into a basket. One of these straws would be the 'last straw' and the camels back would break.

The following experience is one of those defining moments. Not a reason for my leaving as much as a clarifying moment when I thought 'why the hell should I stay'. Another straw to add to the basket, a basket already packed full.

First the story leading up to the event.

"...as your stake president I don't feel I can sign your recommend today. It's clear you don't sustain the leaders and you don't believe in the main tenants of the gospel."

"What I am trying to tell you, President Marshall, is that though I respect the church leadership I would just like to see the church, and the leadership, take a stronger stance on domestic violence... I know of individuals in my ward who deal with spousal abuse and child abuse in their homes and they are getting no support from the church."

The door to the office shut behind me and it hit me that, for the first time in my life, I was being denied the approval I needed to enter the Temple to practice one of the most important principals of my religion. I was a bit stunned and shaken up by this interaction I had just had. I stood in one place for a very long time trying to comprehend what had just happened. How can one man have this kind of control over my life?

As I thought about my conversation with President Marshall; about the problem of domestic violence in the church, I recalled a conversation with my friend Karen.

"Wow Karen, has anyone else read your journals? I had no idea you and the kids were going through this. Why don't you leave?"

"Craig will find me." Karen tells me; her hands visibly shaking. "He said if I leave he will find me and the kids and we will pay for it. I'm pregnant again and I do not want to put another child in this situation. My therapist at LDS Social Services has read my journals and has heard everything. He thinks I should stay and make it work. But it's not going to work."

"I can't believe anyone at LDS Social Services would read this and tell you to stay. Your therapist must be a crazy person."

"I'm going to leave as soon as the baby is born. It will be summer and the kids will be out of school. My job will be changing and I can transfer to another city."

"You need to involve the police; this is serious stuff Karen. I don't know if you are safe waiting it out." 

"I think I'll be okay; Craig is working nights and is only home when we are all away. I don't want to call the police until the kids and I are safe."

Two weeks after my initial interview with the stake president I tried again; and every two weeks for the next six months. Each interview proving to be more frustrating than the previous one. For some reason President Marshall has an issue with me and somehow believes I'm not worthy because, as he sees it, I don't sustain the leaders.

"Who is the head of your household Jill?" President Marshall asks during one of our interviews. "Is your husband at the head of your household?" My reply was evidently not what he wanted to hear. "Both my husband and I are at the head of our household. It's important to both of us that we lead together and our children see us as equals." I paused, then I asked "President Marshall did you receive a letter from Elder Marion D Hanks on my behalf?" I knew he had because I had written Elder Hanks a few weeks previous explaining the situation and asking him if he thought what the stake president was basing his decision on was a legitimate issue. I had received a copy of the letter Elder Hanks had written to the stake president urging him to reconsider his stance. Elder Hanks wrote ...I know Jill and I know her heart. I vouch for her worthiness and her honest desire to go to the Temple.

President Marshall folded his hands on the desk in front of him. "I did receive his letter and my decision stays the same. It's obvious to me you have a problem with patriarchy and if you don't honor the Priesthood you are not sustaining our leaders and you are not worthy of a temple recommend." I was astonished. "I can't believe, President, that because I am speaking up for women and children who are being abused and violated that you are concluding I am unworthy. We have been meeting for six months and I still have no recommend. What do I have to do in order to prove my worthiness and get your signature on this piece of paper?"

Now going on nine months and many interviews later, I am in the church foyer waiting to talk to President Marshall. I'm a little uncomfortable because Craig, the abusive husband of my friend Karen, is also waiting for an interview. I'm not sure if Craig knows of my friendship with his wife. I'm pretty sure he doesn't; Karen would be the last person to let on that anyone knew of the situation.

"Are you waiting to talk to President Marshall" Craig asks. "Yes, you too I suppose." Craig flashes his Temple Recommend. "Yes, waiting to get my recommend signed; just got the Bishop's signature." I distract myself hoping to end the conversation with this vile man. First of all I can't believe with what the Bishop knows about Craig that he would sign his recommend. Karen has met with the Bishop, as well as her therapist at LDS Social Services, many times seeking advice only to be told to do what it takes to make her marriage work.

Why do I even care, I think to myself, this experience has been horrible I can't believe these men are inspired. Well maybe President Marshall will withhold Craig's recommend. I can't imagine he would sign his recommend seeing how he has given me such a difficult time. It doesn't take inspiration to figure out that Craig is a total douchebag.

The door to the Stake President's office opens and Craig walks in and, no kidding, twenty minutes later walks out with a signed recommend. "Must be my lucky day" Craig says as he gives me a look that somehow tells me he knows of my friendship with his wife. My stomach wrenches and I have to look away. The irony of the situation is baffling to me. Here I am, for close to a year now, trying to get my recommend signed and the reason I can't get it signed just walked out of the president's office with a little slip of paper stating his worthiness is greater than mine in the eyes of President Marshall, ergo the church, ergo God. 

My thoughts are racing; President Marshall obviously doesn't know Craig. Craig must have lied saying whatever it took to get his recommend signed. They aren't difficult questions after all. Yes, yes, yes, no, yes... the answers are simple enough.

I walked into the President's office and see the man who I have been contending with for the last several months in a strange new light. For the first time I notice the framed license on his wall stating he is a licensed therapist working for LDS Social Services. This is too coincidental, I think, I'll have to ask Karen who her therapist is. 

"You know Brother Planter?" President Marshall asks. "Yes he is in my ward. I'm good friends with his wife Karen; we know each other quite well." My reply seems to strike a chord with him and for some unexplained reason I leave his office that day with my recommend signed. 'Must be my lucky day.'

The recommend in my hand didn't seem like a gift or a prize it seemed like a worthless slip of paper. I wanted to wad it up and throw it into the trash. So much had happened over the last year. Karen had a baby  boy and was still planning her escape from an abusive marriage. I had made my own self discoveries and was dealing with the idea of being gay and still remaining in my marriage and the church. I laughed as I thought about what President Marshall might think if he knew that story. By this time I had figured out that these men who had jurisdiction over my worthiness didn't need to know everything about me. Besides it was not a sin to BE gay only to ACT gay.

At least now I can go to the Temple with Linda. Linda had been telling me how she wanted me to go with her because she was doing work for her ancestors. I guess I could muster the spirituality to go with Linda this week; ward temple day was on Saturday. I left the President's office and headed down the hallway to attend Relief Society meeting. I sat down next to Karen. "Karen, who is your therapist?" I asked. It didn't surprise me when she told me it was President Marshall. I didn't hear a word of the lesson that day... something about charity or some such thing.

Linda and I met on Saturday morning and headed up to the Temple. My heart wasn't completely in it but I knew it was important to Linda and I thought I could dig down deep and create a spiritual experience. We arrived at the Temple and eventually made our way to the room where we would be for the next hour or so to participate in, what is considered by believing Mormons, a sacred ritual.

Fast forward to the end of the session where they ask for people to go to the front of the room and stand in a circle for a prayer. Linda, myself and several others walked up front and stood at the alter. 

In way of explanation for those not familiar with the ceremony. There needs to be an equal number of men and women in the circle so when there is a man or a woman by themselves, without a person of the opposite sex with them, they will call someone up from the group to balance the numbers. Male, female, male, female around in a circle the man to the right and the women to the left in couples. 

On this occasion I am without a male partner. The man conducting the session asks for a male volunteer to stand with me in the prayer circle.

Now, you may think I'm making this up but I'm not; this really happened. I'm standing there waiting for someone to come stand with me in the prayer circle and up walks... wait for it... wait for it... yes, you're right up comes Craig. What are the chances I guess it was 'my lucky day'. Up to this point I hadn't noticed him, but now here I am standing next to him in the prayer circle. 

I hear the officiator say "If any of you have unkind feelings about anyone in the circle we ask that you withdraw..." What do I do, I do not like this man I have VERY unkind feelings towards him. Oh well, pretend... just like you have been doing all of your life... pretend. After a few more words we are asked to take the hand of the person next to us in a symbolic grip called the 'patriarchal grip' (Ironic ~ right?).

I wanted to leave the circle. I wanted to stand up for Karen, and all the women like her, and somehow call Craig out for all of the physical and sexual abuse he had perpetrated on his family. But I didn't. I stood there with Craig to my right holding my hand in the patriarchal grip. I'm not sure if he was aware that I knew what kind of a man he was, but somehow I think he did know and this was his way of being in control and having a bit of power over me. If I did sit down he would know for sure that Karen had told me things and this might put her in danger so I suppose pretending was the best thing to do.

The prayer circle finished up and we proceeded to the next part of the temple session. Eventually Linda and I are in the Celestial room where on a more typical day I would have felt calm and peace. Now I'm feeling very uncomfortable and all I want to do is run from the room screaming. I quickly exit and return to the safest place in the Temple; the ladies locker room.

Somehow, in that moment, I knew this would be my last visit to the Temple. The patriarchal grip was loosening.

Introduction to 9 Star Ki

Calculate Your 9 Star Ki

I have learned about 9 Star Ki from a talented teacher and mentor Jean Haner. Jean teaches workshops and has authored books on the subject. Her latest book is ‘Your Hidden Symmetry’. You can learn so much from what Jean offers on her website and in her free newsletter.

As I tend to do; I take what I learn through workshops, research and my own life’s experience sprinkle it with inner knowing and come up with my own way of applying this wisdom to my life.

More on Gay Marriage

I have been away from my blog for a long time. Sometimes I have to retreat from my own rants and raves and just relax a bit.

I thought I would look through comments on prior posts to see if it ignited any writing ideas. I realized that there were a couple of comments that I have never replied to.

There was one comment left by someone I respect very much, C. L. Hanson, she posts regularly on her blog, 'Letters From a Broad', and she is one of the founders and keepers of a community blog, 'Main Street Plaza', that I read. 

I wanted to take the time to reply to chanson's comment and apologize that it took over two years.

The post was written in March of 2013, 'The Gay Marriage Battle'. There were some excellent comments on this post. I enjoyed the dialogue.

Here is the comment I never got back to:

C. L. Hanson April 8, 2013 at 3:50 AM
I totally disagree that "the definition of marriage belongs to church". While religions are free to attach whatever religious significance they like to it, marriage was not invented by or for any religion.
Jeremy is right that in many other countries people are required to have a civil ceremony in order to be legally married (and then they can also have whatever additional religious ceremony they like). It works great -- people typically do the two on the same day, and have their secular friends serve as witnesses for the legal ceremony and their religious friends serve as witnesses for the religious ceremony.
I think it is inappropriate that the United States grants religious ceremonies the legal/civil status to make a marriage legally-binding. It confuses people into thinking that marriage is under the jurisdiction of religion, and that therefore religions should have a say in legal/civil aspects of the lives of people who belong to other religions or are non-religious.

'...it is inappropriate that the United States grants religious ceremonies the legal/civil status to make a marriage legally-binding.' 

I agree that it would work much better to have a civil marriage (as the legal ceremony) followed by the religious, or other, ceremony of one's choosing. The idea that a civil ceremony is required to legally bind a couple followed by a religious ceremony to follow is perfect. However, at the time, this option was not available to us as a gay couple. It was available in way of a civil union with a ceremony to follow. But it was called something different than what other people were allowed. It was separate but not equal. I think I was saying the same thing; however, I did make the mistake of giving religion ownership of marriage.

I was struggling with the fear that gay couples would never be given the right of marriage in the US. I was trying to elevate the status of civil unions to be the more 'important thing'. The idea that everyone should have a civil union to legally bind and grant rights, protection and equality under the law. After the civil union the marriage ceremony was optional and could be celebrated in any way one chooses. I was trying to minimize the meaning of marriage and elevate the status of civil unions. This, I recognize now, was an opinion from my own small world view.

'While religions are free to attach whatever religious significance they like to it, marriage was not invented by or for any religion.' 

This is a great point. Many do get confused and turn marriage over to religion. Marriage isn't something churches have ownership of. Marriage, in a historical sense, wasn't even about love. One merely needs to watch HBO's Game of Thrones to know that marriage was a way to gain family status and land ownership. (I know HBO probably shouldn't be my source of historical fact, what can I say). According to the book 'Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage', it wasn't until the mid eighteenth century that the definition started to change from arranged patriarchal marriage to more of a love based, male-bread-winner type of a marriage. And as recent as the last 30 years the 'male-bread winner' definition has been thrown into question.

When did Christianity assume ownership of marriage? Perhaps it was because the priests, as early as 313, were the tax collectors and record keepers of the land. It was under their jurisdiction, at the time, to perform the legal ceremony. This is no longer the situation in Europe or North America. Today government has taken over these responsibilities.

Just last summer, in Oregon, I was able to legally marry my love of nearly 20 years. Why did we feel it was so important? After all we already had a legal civil union and 17 years prior we had sealed our love in a beautiful ceremony with friends and family. So why bother?

Several reasons come to mind. We wanted to celebrate the victory and progress of gay rights in the US. We wanted to stand, once again, before friends and family and declare our love and share a few bottles of good bourbon with them. We wanted recognition by the state, and the country, that we have all the same rights and protections under the law that any married persons have. We wanted to share in the declaration that separate is never equal. The civil union we were allowed previously was not the same as marriage, it did not create equality; it was not afforded the same dignity and respect that marriage was.

Even though Suzie and I are now legally married there are still many committed gay couples that do not have the marriage option. I do believe the momentum has shifted in the US. Gay marriage still faces many challenges and battles, yet it has become the more popular mainstream view. The religious right have become the outliers. Those who oppose gay marriage are suddenly the ones who have lost their dignity and the respect of society.

There are many, in the Mormon church, who have accepted the inevitably that gay marriage will soon be legal throughout the United States. Now the cry of the Mormon leadership is that gay marriage, though legally accepted by law, is 'counterfeit'.

To those who still hold to the idea that my marriage is lesser than a hetero-marriage. That my marriage and my family is counterfeit. I say...

Soul or No Soul--That is the Question

I saw this image on one of my favorite blogs. It inspired me to do a little armchair internet research regarding a question that's been on my mind.

Do we have a soul inspiring us and leading us to intuit certain matters? Does our soul, if we have one, act independent of our brain to inspire us and answer burning questions? Do we 'feel' in our heart that certain things are true because of our soul? Or is the brain the only organ at work sending messages to the rest of our body; prompting us to feel a 'burning in our bosom' or have that 'gut feeling'?

When we have a strong emotional response to something we can have a physical reaction occurring in our heart or our stomach. It can literally feel like a broken heart or a happy heart or a 'gut feeling'. Are these feelings based on memories of our experiences throughout life? Memories stored in our brain and recalled by our brain? Or perhaps it is an external force (like God) influencing our soul (spirit).

Then I think about personality types and how different people react to these feelings. Some people run away from danger, some people run towards it. Some people follow rules even if they don't agree with them and others break rules just because they can. There are a number of personalities reacting in a number of ways in between these extreme examples; but, is our personality a result of our brain or our soul?

If there is a soul does it affect my brain which in turn affects everything else? What's bigger my brain or my soul? Is my brain my soul? Is my soul simply a figment of my imagination, or my brain?

I'm sure my musings seem elementary to those who have studied the brain and know how the body works. I apologize for my simplistic approach to this question. 

I have always been a very emotionally based person. I have spent the better part of my life feeling my way through most situations. I credit myself for having very strong intuitions prompting me to reach out to others and act in ways seeming, at least to me, to be rather prophetic. 

I've grown up contributing these promptings to something I understood to be my soul. Taking it further into my religious background; I always thought my intuition was my soul, or my spirit, listening to the promptings of something outside of myself; like God or the Holy Ghost.

It is usually more important to me to 'feel' things are right or wrong; true or false; good or bad. Rather than, to 'know' things are right or wrong; true or false; good or bad. There are exceptions to this; for example, taking an exam at school or working with data at work. These situations, for me, are an effort; however, I have become pretty good at thinking and knowing because society demands it. 

Knowing and recalling details or intellectual information does not come easy to me; however, making decisions and taking action based on my intuition is like second nature to me.

Perhaps intuitive and emotionally based people have, over time, developed pathways and areas of their brain that can intuit, or are extra sensitive to, certain physical energies around us. Maybe we are born with certain areas of our brain more developed than other areas. Intellectual, or more pragmatic, people have exercised, or developed, other areas of the brain.

And where does personality come in? Helen Fisher, one of my favorite anthropologists, is an expert on personality types and how personality plays into who and why we love. I think her personality types are very suitable across the board; affecting everything in our lives not just love. I've posted about Helen Fisher and personality types before. Doctor Fisher clearly attributes our personalities to our brain and the chemicals in our body interacting with our brain.


Ergo, If our intuition is a function of the ventromedial prefrontal cortex then perhaps there is no soul. And if our personality is attributed to our brain and the chemicals interacting with certain areas of our brain then, again, perhaps there is no soul.

I guess what I have come out of this brief internet study with is that our brain is a superpower and I want to learn more about the brain, my brain. I want to learn how to use this superpower to help myself and others.

It's weird isn't it? I want to use my brain to learn more about my brain so that I can improve my brain and then use my brain in a more efficient way to help myself and others.

Screaming My Truth Softly

Being a politically and socially progressive person kind of set me up for a lot of disappointment while I was active in the Mormon Church. I could never close the gap or minimize the dissonance constantly present between the life of love, empathy and compassion I wanted to live and the critical, judgmental life I experienced so often in the church. I constantly found myself on the other side of the fence from other 'more faithful' members on most social and political issues.

A lot of people can live in the duality of church activity with all the dissonance; still finding they are uplifted and edified. For me, however, it got to a point where I rarely felt good at church; in fact, it was quite the opposite. I would go to church on Sunday and leave absolutely exhausted and drained of any good will I had built up during the week. Being with the Saints on Sunday was kicking my butt.

Eventually I just didn't want the conflict in my life. I no longer wanted to spend my time in church getting frustrated and angry taking up the fight for social justice in Sunday School. I was tired of the importance being placed on things I found trivial; like, should teenage boys masturbate, should a young man not wearing a white shirt be restricted from passing the sacrament, should young women be passing the sacrament, should a young woman be told her greatest calling in life is to be a mother while at the same time a young man is not told that his greatest calling in life is to be a father along with so many other things I had grown tired of. 

I was a square peg in a round hole and it was becoming uncomfortable and restrictive. I was not supported in being the person I wanted to be. What I found was the tendency, of some members, to constantly measure themselves, and others, against a ruler of perfection and a false notion of righteousness. Without even being aware of it many became quite harsh in their perception of the world and the people in it. Self righteousness was in their veins and they didn't even realize they were judging and being holier than thou. It simply became a way of living.

Of course it's human nature to judge, or make judgments. We make judgments while choosing our personal standard of living. We make judgments, or decisions, about what we will do in any particular situation or in what we wear or in what we eat and drink. It's healthy to have a strong sense of your ethical standard and know who you are and who you want to be in the world. The problem, I believe, comes when you let someone, or something, else set your standards for you. You begin to think your moral standards are the 'only true standards' and then you take a hold of that ruler of righteousness and beat others over the head with it.

Be careful how you use that ruler; it just may be the very thing that blocks your entrance into Heaven as you know it. Don't forget what is important--empathy, understanding, responsibility to do good in the world. Decide who you want to be in the world then rid yourself of the influences and practices not supporting you. If the church supports you in being who you want to be then, by all means, stay, it's a good place for you. If the church stops you from being who you want to be in the world then leave it behind.

And for hell's sake support and uplift others and don't worry so much about spreading your brand of happiness. We don't exist to save others; we just happen to find ourselves on this planet at the same time. Our paths have crossed and by mere coincidence we have this opportunity to interact with one another. It's not my job to convince you that I am right and you are wrong. It's not your job to decide I am a sinner but you're going to love me anyway. There's not a singular path to happiness; stop trying to convince others your path is best. Just enjoy the journey and do your best to uplift and support others on their journey.

If this life is all we have and there is no God or Heaven or eternal anything then wouldn't you want to live life to it's fullest by being a happy, kind person? Wouldn't you want to take advantage of every day you have with your loved ones? Wouldn't you want to live a life worth living? And if there is a God and a Heaven and an eternal existence then wouldn't you want to do exactly the same thing? Let's just get down to the business of living and figuring shit out. Let's just hold on to each other and make our way through life as best we can.

Every day, it seems, I make adjustments to my thinking and to my living. I see my truth, I do my best, I slip up, I adjust then I try again. This is my imperfect life and I am content with it. There is some discontent in there too; just enough to keep me moving forward.

Every so often I want to scream my truth to others; and now and again I do scream. To keep from screaming too much I write it down here in my blog and send it out to the blogosphere where a few people will come across it; most likely, not by divine intervention but merely by chance. If you find yourself reading this post I hope it resonates in some way. I hope it either disturbs you or comforts you.

Another Blog Post About Excommunication

... I was hesitant to write about excommunication in the Mormon Church because it has been pretty thoroughly discussed recently.

However, the recent purge the church has launched against a few high profile members, has got me thinking about my own excommunication. Mostly I've been thinking about what I said to the bishop who excommunicated me and what I wish I had said.

You know how it is; someone says something to you, catching you off guard, and you respond with something akin to "uuuuhhh". Then you step away from the moment and you suddenly think of all these things you could have, should have, said.

Let me tell you a bit of back story to set the stage. In 1995 I walked away from the church. It was a very painful process and it took a long time for me to heal from that abusive relationship. In March of 2004 Multnomah County, in Portland, issued over 3,000 marriage licences to same sex couples and in answer to this there was a measure placed on the November ballot to add the 'One Man, One Woman' clause to the Oregon constitution. The ballot measure was approved by voters and discrimination was written into the state constitution.

It was during all of this political activity that I received a phone call from the bishop's secretary telling me that the bishop would like to talk with me and would I like to come to his office or would I prefer he come to my home. 

What I said: "uuuhhhh, my home I guess."

What I wish I had said: "My preference is that you all keep to yourself and stop trying to control everyone's life."

The next day I spent a bit of time straightening up the living room to make it comfortable and tidy for the visit from the bishop. At the appointed time there was a knock on my door. I opened the door and there was this man awkwardly standing on my porch. He introduced himself and said I'm bishop so and so. I invited him in but he politely told me that he preferred I come out on the porch to talk with him. I found this a bit strange but then I remember that he's not allowed to come into my home because he's by himself and I'm a single woman etc, etc... 

Okay, whatever, I did just spend 30 minutes cleaning my living room but oh well. I went out on the porch and we sat down. He apologized for not coming in and started to explain the whole by himself, single woman thing to me. I let him finish then I said "...well, that's not really the case; you see, I am a married woman. Suzie and I got married just the other day." His response was something like "...uuuhhh good one". He then proceeded to tell me that because of certain choices I've made... blah blah blah and my obvious intent to live a lifestyle contrary to the churches beliefs... blah blah blah... I'm left with no choice but to excommunicate you from the CoJCoLDS". He pretty much made it clear to me that this was his obligation and not necessarily his pleasure or even something he agreed with.

After a little chit chat about how wonderful my kids were and what a great job I had done as a mother the bishop left and I went inside to enjoy my clean living room. All in all not a bad experience.

Three weeks after my visit from the bishop I heard that he was released and there was a new sheriff in town. I waited months for a letter or some notification of my excommunication but it never came. Apparently the first bishop didn't complete the job so it was left to the new bishop to do it up right because one Saturday I hear a knock on my door. This time when I open the door there are two men asking if I had a moment. (What is it about Mormons just dropping by unannounced). 

I invited them in and this time they did come in. I invited them to sit down in the living room. The bishop asked if we could sit at the dining room table instead. To this day I don't know why that was important unless it was simply so he could have control of the situation. We sat down at the table and he proceeded to tell me they were there to talk with me about my life choices that they found to be contrary to church teachings. I mentioned that another bishop had already done this and I didn't understand why I had to endure this twice. His response indicated that things needed to be done in a particular manner and the other bishop had not followed procedure. 

What felt uncomfortable to me was that my children were home and could hear what their bishop was saying to their mother about her unworthiness. My children were all active in the church at this time and their father was very much a true believing member of the church. It would be an interesting conversation to have with them now, as adults, to see if they were aware of what was happening.

What I did: I just sat and hoped that the kids were not going to know what was going on. 

What I wish I had done: Was stand up and invite them to leave my home and tell them never to come back.

The bishop proceeded to ask me if I felt the need to repent. This kind of took me off guard, it had been a number of years since I had been under the thumb of oppression. I had completely forgotten what it was like to be subject to this type of judgement and abuse. The counselor seemed very uncomfortable while the bishop seemed to be completely enjoying himself.

Calling the bishop by his first name I said "No Craig, I don't feel a need to repent. I have done nothing wrong. My life is good; I am closer to love and goodness than I have ever been at any other time of my life... and I would like to say that even if I did feel a need to repent I would not do so through you. I no longer need a priesthood holder to mediate between me and God."

"... Sister Searle, I have no choice but to proceed with your excommunication from the church." He then told me that the church had recently changed its policies and since I wasn't a priesthood holder there was no need for a formal court. He and his counselors would convene the next day in his office and the matter would be taken care of. I would then receive a letter in the mail with their determination of my standing in the church.

What I said: "Okay."

What I wish I had said: "Craig, my only words of defense are not to claim my innocence, not to profess that my choices and my lifestyle are perfectly healthy and normal (which is all true) rather my words to you are to defend myself from a tyrant church. I have spent the last several years redefining and reconnecting with myself and with love. I have arrived at a place in my life where the church and it's leaders have no control or power over me. I am closer to love and perfection than I've been at any other point in my life. So this thing you are doing, this excommunication, is completely for your own self righteous and evil ends. There is no love in what you are doing here today. There is no love or concern in your actions. I won't judge your motives because I believe you have been manipulated and deceived for so long that you truly believe that what you're doing is good and loving." 

I then saw these two men to the door, shook their hands and sent them on their way. I did talk to my kids about what had happened. I let them know that because I was choosing to live a happy, authentic life and stay with Suzie, whom we all loved and considered to be very much a part of our family, that the bishop was going to proceed with an excommunication. 

The day after the visit from the bishop there was a plate of Christmas cookies on my porch from the counselor and his wife. Maybe this was his way of apologizing for the abuse he had witnessed the day before. Nothing like a good sugar cookie after such a pleasant visit with the Lord's anointed.

Families are Forever - Unless...

Growing up Mormon; 'it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...'

It was the best of times in that as a young child I was given a road map to life that was safe and easy to navigate. I was surrounded by a community of people who cared for me and, for the most part, protected me. It was the worst of times in that I spent many years chasing rainbows and in so doing I neglected and missed out on relationships with family and peers who deserved my respect and my love but instead received my pity and my judgement. 

This pity and judgement was all wrapped up in golden rules like 'love thy neighbor' or 'love the sinner but hate the sin'. These golden rules allowed me to feel like a compassionate, loving, non-judgmental person. What was really happening; however, was that I had little respect for my father as I tried so diligently to save his sorry soul. I had no way of relating to what many of my peers were going through as they grappled with the gray matter of the world. As a young girl I had no skills to navigate my way out of two damaging and dangerous situations with abusive men.

Families are forever; 'it is the best of blessings and the worst of burdens...'
I was taught, from a very young age, that the 'Eternal Family' is one of the greatest rewards one can attain. To live a life of righteous endeavor, to stay faithful to the principals and ordinances of the gospel with the promise of being together forever is, most likely, a top priority for most true believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Pretend for a moment, just for the sake of understanding, that you believe with all your heart, might, mind and soul that this eternal family principal is true. As a parent you are doing everything in your might to raise your children 'right'. You have loved and nurtured; you have given everything you have to your children; and then, one of these children has the audacity to 'think for themselves' to actually make choices for themselves and boom, before you know it, they have decided on a path different from your own.

Suddenly that child is out of the EFU (eternal family unit) and there is nothing you can do but hope and pray that this child will one day return to the true church. Okay, this isn't all you can do; there has got to be more you can do. The stakes are too high and you are not going to stand by idly and watch it happen. So you send gospel literature you use guilt to possibly steer them in the right direction. You beg, you nag until before you know it you have placed a wedge between you and your child.

Or you may just let them go, knowing it's their decision; yet, you never stop aching for that child. You will continue to love and reach out; because, you don't like the alternative of losing this child in the here and now. But imagine the weight on your heart because of the fear of not having this child with you in the eternities. The guilt that you did something wrong along the way. 

As a prodigal parent; my heartache was that I wouldn't be with my children forever. I was robbing my children of their mother and opening up the possibility that they would also go astray. I was eventually able to let go of this belief but the fear and grief was still there because I worried that my children would pity me, pray for me and try with all their might to save my sorry soul. Yes, it had come full circle; I went from being my father's savior to being my children's sinner in the wink of an eye. I have since become more confident in my children and in their ability to question, discern and sort through their beliefs; coming to their own conclusions and walking their own path.

The grief, the guilt and the heartache are very real in so many people's lives because of this principal of eternal families. When I made the decision to leave the church I received letters from family members and friends shaming  me and expressing their concern that I was breaking eternal commitments; I was destroying my eternal family. "How can you do this to your children?" was the common question. The decision I made to leave the church was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I had been so controlled and conditioned that I felt there were eternal implications; that there was some sort of God waiting to exact punishment on me and my family simply because I was taking a different course. 

The Mormon temples are at the center of this issue. If you are not Mormon you may, or may not, know the significance and importance of the temple and the temple recommend. In the temple faithful members of the Mormon Church perform very important ordinances and rituals required in this life so that when you leave this life you will be allowed to enter into the Celestial Kingdom (the upper heaven) where families are allowed to live together for eternity. If you don't attain this level of heaven you will not be allowed to be with your loved ones forever. Each year a person is required to interview with two church leaders in order to prove worthiness of a 'temple recommend'. If you answer a set of questions correctly you will get a recommend allowing you to go to the temple. If you don't answer satisfactorily; you will be denied a recommend.

This is a very real issue in the Mormon church; affecting families in many different ways. A mother is kept from attending her daughter's temple wedding. A ninety one year old faithful woman, who chooses to pay her bills or help a family member instead of paying tithing, is kept from entering the temple. A gay son is taken to therapy in order to repair his 'same sex attraction'. Instead of being loved and encouraged to seek a healthy, happy relationship he will be encouraged to live a life of celibacy or to find a worthy young woman and marry in the temple regardless of his sexual orientation. A 15 year old girl tells her bishop that she was molested by an adult male in the church and nothing is done. That adult male holds a temple recommend and is a youth leader in the local congregation. An abused wife is told to keep trying to make her marriage successful in order to preserve her 'eternal family'. Her husband, the abuser, has a temple recommend and holds leadership positions in his local congregation.


To be fair there are many good things that come from the Mormon focus on family and the intention behind most members actions are love and compassion. I don't know about the motives of the institution itself. As I go through my own cycle of healing from breaking off this relationship I find I have gone through all the normal stages of grief. After leaving I went many years keeping a quiet respect for the church; but now, I feel compelled to let go of some of the frustrations and anger I have for the church as an institution. An organization, that I feel, controls the hearts and minds of millions and abuses their power.

The church was, and is, a part of who I am. I continue to be proud of my pioneer heritage. I will always love my friends and family in the church and respect their choices. I am happy to be who I am and where I am today. It is often the case in life, that as we get through the worst of times we arrive at the best of times.

Amen

My Gay Agenda

I'm all about transparency so I want to take this opportunity to post my 'gay agenda' as to not sneak up on anyone.

Wake up

Drink coffee

Read/write

Shower

Go to work

Eat lunch

Work some more

Go home

Get into pajamas asap

Have an adult beverage

Watch a bit of TV

Go to bed

Rinse and repeat...

On the weekends I get totally crazy and go to movies and take walks and clean the house. I know; it's a very divisive agenda.

Please be aware of people like myself who would like nothing more than to recruit you, and everyone else, into this subversive lifestyle.

xoxo

"Just Jill"

A New Years Tradition

I have developed a bit of an aversion to the idea of goal setting. Most likely from years of 'Personal Progress' and 'Pursuit of Excellence' programs fed to me all my life. Not to mention daily and weekly goal setting for nearly two years of my life while laboring in the mission field.

So now I call it 'setting intentions' with lots of room for shifting and natural progress. I know, it's goal setting by another name; but, it's more palatable to me that way. It's a way for me to take an inventory of the past and focus myself for the future without guilt and judgment.

arrhh treasures await

For the last several years I've had a tradition of treasure mapping for the new year.

It started out as something fun to do with my children when they were young. We would sit in the living room cutting out pictures and words from old magazines pasting them onto poster boards to represent our intentions for the new year. The boys, not liking it at first, would eventually settle into the creativity of it and manage to come up with some pretty clever boards by the end. My daughter and I continued the practice long after the boys and Suzie grew tired of it.

It soon became something Katie and I did with several of her friends each year. By this time I had added in the bagua concept. Meaning the feng shui bagua map that helped direct the creativity into particular areas giving us some ideas to start our process. We would section out our maps into nine areas and start cutting and pasting away. It was always fun to visit and create together and see what everyone came up with for their board.

Treasure Map/Bagua Template

Katie has carried this tradition into her adult life and shares it with her friends each year. I, on the other hand, have gotten away from the magazine, cutting, pasting idea and now I just create my treasure map on the computer with a template that I created a few years back. (Mostly because I'm lazy).

I often times pull up maps from past years and think of the progress or shifts I have made through time. I'm sometimes surprised how my intentions have manifested or evolved even though I haven't looked at my map for a year. Then I work through my new map with ideas of what is important to me; launching into the new year with a feeling of positive intention and a bit of satisfaction that I can be artsy craftsy. 

This year's treasure map consists of a myriad of intentions ranging from walk more/eat less to traveling to Kentucky along the Bourbon Trail for Suzie and my 20th anniversary. I also want to take computer programming classes through Linfield's Department of Continuing Education. And, as always, I add Maxine Denver (Paul and Kelly's business) and Kinfolk (Nate and Katie's business) fully confident in their growth and prosperity. Along with a special mention of Jacob's graduation from Pacific University in the spring!

It's hard to see but it's all in there: 

Treasure Map of 2014

I'm thinking I'll work some more on my map of 2014. Maybe throw in a few manifestations for marriage equality and peace on earth. The big smiley face in the center goes a long way and leaves lots of room for growing, shifting and laying down on the couch whenever possible.

I am moving into a year of reaping all the goodness from my hard work and efforts of the past five years. I hope everyone has a fantastic 2014. 

Yes, that Utah

I believe in miracles...
I often times start posts and save them as drafts. It may take a me awhile to get back to my post. In this case I have no idea what I was about to write. I had simply written 'I believe in miracles'. I don't remember writing it and it doesn't seem like something I would write.

Maybe I was being prophetic because what happened in Utah on Friday with 'Gay Marriage' was nothing short of a miracle. I'll be watching with interest as this case proceeds.

I'm sure there will be strong opposition from the state. There will be arguments that the states have jurisdiction over marriage; therefore, state's rights are being violated. It is true; states do have jurisdiction over marriage and it is left to the states to define marriage I'm actually trying to understand this myself. 

My limited knowledge of law and order is that there are 'states rights' and this is part of what makes "our country great", (notice the air quotes), the power of the state, in defining marriage, over rule the power of the federal government. So what is going on here?

Rachel Maddow and her guest, New York University law professor Kenji Yoshino, explain it here; they mention the 'nuclear option' which means that when state law and federal law clash state law wins. They also refer to the 'Windsor case'. How does all this help us; us meaning 'We the Gay People' and our allies?

It is still difficult for me to wrap my head around the technicalities of this situation. Apparently the Utah case is different; in that it was a federal judge who ruled the Utah state amendment defining marriage as unconstitutional. 

Judge Robert Shelby says the following:
"The state’s current laws deny its gay and lesbian citizens their fundamental right to marry and, in so doing, demean the dignity of these same-sex couples for no rational reason," the judge wrote. "Accordingly, the court finds that these laws are unconstitutional."

"The court agrees with Utah that regulation of marriage has traditionally been the province of the states, and remains so today. But any regulation adopted by a state, whether related to marriage or any other interest, must comply with the Constitution of the United States,".

There's the kicker. A state cannot adopt any law that violates the US Constitution. The 14th amendment, particularly the first section, of the US Constitution, the most litigated section of the constitution, states:

14th Amendment Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

A more interesting thing is that 33 other states have a similar amendment in their state constitution. Does this mean that once Utah repeals Judge Shelby's ruling, (and I bare testimony that they will), the case will go to the supreme court and once a ruling is determined by the Supreme Court it will set a precedence for all? I hope this is what it means because this will mean a landslide of change in this the United States of America!

Since 'human dignity' is used as a main argument in the ruling of Judge Shelby I worry that the words 'human dignity' are not used in the US Constitution. There is jurisprudence however; meaning, the Supreme Court has ruled based on the philosophy or theory of human dignity being a constitutional right.

I must say I am still a bit apprehensive about what will happen. I do know that the fight for gay marriage is moving in the right direction. It seems like a slow moving train at times but we are making progress and we will arrive. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Let's take a moment to recognize the accuracy in Justice Scalia's prediction that the precedence set by the ruling in United States vs Windsor that DOMA denies plaintiffs their rights to due process and equal protection under the law (5th amendment) would be setting a precedence for striking down similar amendments in state constitutions. Of course he said it as a bad thing; I personally think it is a great thing. Thank you Justice Scalia for pointing this out so Judge Sheldon could reference this in his ruling.

Thank you to Edith Windsor who at age 83 had the courage, the money and the gumption to fight her fight in court.

Thank you Judge Sheldon for your 53 page ruling declaring Utah's amendment, defining marriage as between a man and a woman, as unconstitutional. 

Thank you, in advance, to the state of Utah for appealing this decision and laying the ground work necessary for the Supreme Court to rule in favor of gay marriage in Utah and subsequently setting the precedence for the other 33 states who still have this type of amendment in their constitutions.

Go Utah! Who would've thunk it. :o)

Testing for the God Factor-Belief Analytics

I'm resurrecting, in part, a post from last March. Take a few minutes to answer the questions below and see if you are naturally inclined to believe in God.

The point of this post is not to discover truth or unravel mystery or prove my point. I am simply exploring the mystery of the human need to believe in a higher power. I am not trying to explain my beliefs or to understand your beliefs. I want to explore why do we or don't we believe in God(s) or religion.

Maybe, as pointed out in some scientific articles I've read, it boils down to what kind of 'thinker' you are. An interesting idea, but it falls short of explaining why I have come to where I am in my thinking and my beliefs. I want to sum up one article I read this morning on cognitive thinking and how the type of thinker you are leads to a belief, or disbelief, in God.

A reflective thinker is someone who analyzes and is logical by nature; while an intuitive thinker is more likely to feel their way and go with their gut feelings. The level of cognitive thinking can be partially determined by answering these three questions:

THE COGNITIVE REFLECTION TEST

1. A bat and a ball cost $1.10 in total. The bat costs $1.00 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost? 
2. If it takes five machines five minutes to make five widgets, how long does it take 100 machines to make 100 widgets? 
3. In a lake, there is a patch of lily pads. Every day, the patch doubles in size. If it takes 48 days for the patch to cover the entire lake, how long would it take for the patch to cover half of the lake? 

The more correct answers you get indicates you are a reflective, or analytic, thinker and the less likely you are to believe in God or other spiritual phenomena. The fewer correct answers you get indicates you are an intuitive thinker and the more likely your are to believe in God. It's not a measure of intelligence but a measure of logic and analytic abilities. 

Of course if you are a science or math whiz you might easily come to more correct answers. Are there scientists and math genius' that believe in God? Yes there are; are there intuitive thinkers who don't believe in God; yes obviously. These are just indicators and inclinations. I'm definitely an intuitive thinker.

Here are the answers: Five cents, five minutes, and forty-seven days.

The type of thinker we are is an indicator of our inclinations towards God. However; life happens and many of us go beyond our inclinations to come to other conclusions. I'm an intuitive thinker but through my life and my experiences I have come to a place in my life where I don't believe in God. Or at least I don't think it's important if there is a God or not. Even though I don't believe in God my intuitive nature still leans towards spiritual phenomena. I believe strongly in my intuitive nature which leads me towards all manner of woo woo.

I got every question wrong; however, once I saw the answers they made total sense and I was able to puzzle through the questions and come to the correct answers. This is my pattern; the way I approach a lot of things in my life. My first response is intuitive and visceral; however, I also enjoy puzzling my way through life in a more logical sort of way.

What do you think... (or feel)?